There are certain things that always come up if you talk to me long enough. I always end up confessing about my depression, especially if the other person picks it up in me. Very often I mention the source, just under different guises. "It was because of a guy," "Did you ever notice that we don't talk anymore?," etc. I think I do it so people will pity me. Otherwise, I don't like to talk about myself too much because nothing happens in my life. I'm an "I'm okay," "Things are okay" kind of girl if you try to make small talk. There was one person with whom I talked a lot to--online at night, or online, or via text message/phone though. Such a pity. Now, the only times I really talk a lot are if it's about theology or philosophy--something to prove my intelligence or kindness, I think. I only talk to prove myself; it's sad.
The saddest part is that I'm not smart. And that would be okay if I were happy, if I were in tune with my emotions, with myself. But i'm not. I'm perpetually depressed, if not bored, and I always dwell in some sense of failure. A good grade doesn't make me feel good anymore because I only have to think about all the other bad grades that have been bombarded on me this year (and first quarter just ended today!). Whatever good grades I get, I somewhat think I deserve. And whatever bad grades I get, I know I deserved it.
Thank God, I haven't cried these past few weeks. But up until awhile ago, I cried an average of once a week. Like I said, I'm not intune with my emotions. The weird thing is that I seem to take pride in my tears. For multiple reasons.
You might think that I wouldn't like my tears when I was actually crying, but that's surprisingly not true. I got to be truly reflective as I was crying, and my tears were just a side effect. I guess I wasn't too happy of other people noticing (i.e.-when Daddy yelled at me, when Connie saw)...but I know that deep inside I must have wanted to be cared for, and I was just sad that it was the wrong people who noticed. Afterwards, like now, I don't exactly want to cry, but I wouldn't mind purging my emotions if it means I can feel that utter exhaustion and wave of calm that immediately follows a crying session. It's a good kind of emptyness. I feel bored all the time, but paradoxically it's linked with anxiety. I always want something to happen, I think. That sense of incompleteness constantly makes me sigh for no reason.
I was browsing xanga and saw this post: http://cluelessazn13.xanga.com/716273113/separation-anxiety/
It's funny, and about college. But being me, I have to think about my own future in college and a whole new reason to sigh and say "i don't know." I guess I've changed from before-before, when I didn't think about college at all except as a concept, and from before, when I freaked about about not getting into a prestigious college because I don't know my "passion." I've stop deluding myself from thinking that I can go to Harvard or a college in Taiwan. I don't have dreams or aspirations, which is really really bad, and I just want to stay home and stay in NYC and stay in this rut until the end of the world comes. until the change i so desparately wait for arrives. I'm not like that girl from the post. Independence is not a green light for me. I'm not like Yi or Cornea, eager for a fun new world. I'm not Vivien; I don't have that confidence. I only have my knowledge, I only merely know that things will be all right. Because things always end up alright; they can't go wrong if you don't know what it takes for them to go right. I'm not ready for college.
It stinks that change won't come. I'm reading The Path of Loneliness and even though it's really practical and realistic because it's about her life i still can't help but feel like it's not applicable to my life. Yes, it's a gift that I'm single. I'm not exactly desperate and needy for a guy to like. Yes, I am blessed and God loves me. But it's just a clause that follows "Yes-comma" IT'S NOT CHANGING MY LIFE. I pray to God everyday, every second I remember, every chance I get. But it's kinda one of those "Hi's" of acknowledgment. Sometimes it's "Thank You for still being there. *patpat*, less-than-three" Sometimes it's like "Hey! I heard of all these amazing things You did. And I know You're amazing. *compliment compliment*" Sometimes it's "Hey God, can you please help me out here?," sometimes it's even "Please God I'm begging you here. Only you can help me now." But often, it's just "Hey God." or just "God." in a remembering tone, or a whiny tone, or just as I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
I don't think many people would call these prayers, but they're really what comes out of me =\
The guy next to me in the computer lab just prayed a quick prayer to God. "Ahh the things God does for us. Thank You God. Amen" because he found something for his prelab.
And I think that's great that he acknowledged God. But if I do the same thing, I think it also reflects in me a sort of insincerity. It's not obvious because I used to think that the most sincere prayer I could give was what I really wanted to tell God. I thought He wanted us to think of Him in our stream of consciousness. But now that I've been exposed to such "strong" Christians in my life, I can't help but feel unworthy. Like my sincere prayers aren't sincere enough because my relationship with God is on a friend basis. And since I don't have a best friend anymore and haven't really had a real one (at least, not like the ones in books, the ones who make stories), I don't think Jesus is my best friend. Because I don't know what it means to have a best friend! URHG. I wish I could pray those deep meaningful prayers. But the only prayers that come out of me are either the wordy fast ones that I say aloud when asked to, or the relatively wordless ones where I try to express a feeling and tell God to infer what I cannot say.
so. that's where i am. in a rut spiritually, physically, emotionally, academically. And it's only 1st quarter.
the thing that i was talking about in the beginning:
black is the absence of color and white is all the colors.
what i really pray for most is that Jesus blood can wash my sins white as snow.
my sins plague me. one, because i don't know what all of them are
and two, because the sins like unfaithfulness and laziness are just too obscure for me to blatantly abstain from.
i do a horrible job of abstaining from anything actually =\ i can never stick to a diet, or sleeping schedule, or to-do plan
i'm over ambitious and at the same time underachieving
my sins do all this to me, but what really kills me is that even though I know Jesus died for me,
I really really don't know what it's like to be FULL of Him, of His salvation.
I am very obviously still in the dark, surrounding by a black that is void of meaning. devoid of the things that would make me okay.
black and white.
